Sometimes in this blog, I wench a lot. In fact, more often than not, I am wenching about something. Sometimes I do it comically, sometimes I do it without any grace or precision whatsoever. And then sometimes, I am inspired to say something more.

I believe that there are Lightbearers on this planet. The task of being a Lightbearer is to illuminate where darkness is, has been, and to heal wounds left behind when darkness has left damage in its wake. Everyone, I believe, unless you are something other that human, has the potential to be a Lightbearer. Some people are born knowing they are here to do something to help, to heal, to be of service to others. Some people discover it later. Some people have to journey through darkness to discover that they have the ability, and the choice, to hold light. Each Lightbearer has a specific talent, sometimes many talents that create joy and happiness where it was not before.

So, I believe that there is a spark of the divine in each one of us. When we recognize someone we’ve never met, when we meet someone we never expected to meet, when we become amazed, awed, overwhelmed by beauty, by art, by performance, by music, by a story, by reality, and we feel so incredible in that moment-that is a connection to the divine.

Really, we have that spark all the time. It can become difficult in ordinary, normal, uneventful days to forget about it. But I think the point is that we are supposed to create it, bring it out to shine on those days, to look for something amazing within the apparently mundane.

Think of how terrible is feels to be lost, disconnected, to feel unimportant, untalented, unloved, unnoticed, unappreciated, unrecognized. That is a smothering of your spark. Sometimes it’s you, doing it to yourself. Sometimes it’s others who have snuffed their spark, or have forgotten.

Don’t forget. Remember the truth. If you’ve snuffed out your spark, rekindle it. There is no finding yourself. You create yourself. Answers are within you, and all around you. I wish you all well, and to be at peace, and to enjoy the magic of the season, but to keep it with you, all year round, by remembering your spark.

Last night, I went home very tired. I spent about 10 hours at work, even though that doesn’t count for anything. So, I asked my husband to let me sleep for an hour and a half. I woke up later and knew that I had slept much, much longer.

“What time is it?” I inquired.

“Eleven!” He smiled.

This created a conversation about why he let me sleep so long and he said he was hoping I would sleep through the night. Sigh. No. I have tried that game.

So I felt like I had never left work, really, by the time I took my new goodnight medicine, although I did make it through a Farscape and some downloading of an ancient but enjoyable game.

And then I crashed out. Waking this morning was awful. I definitely didn’t take the new med early enough. You know when you have that waking where you can barely get your eyes open and you try really hard, but you can’t really move? That is me every morning, although this morning it was times 5.

Yeesh. As I write, I feel like I’m underwater. I’m praying the coffee helps wake me.

I never really did leave work either, as I dreamt of my boss telling me that she was only keeping me around until she hired other people. I was protesting, telling her I do good work, and she said she didn’t care, I was part of a bad crew of people, but she wouldn’t let me quit either, so I could go looking elsewhere. You think I have some nerves about work? Definitely. 4 people have been fired in the last 3 months. Dropping off like flies.

But hey, if I want to keep my job, I better “Get to work slave! YAH!”

I saw a saying somewhere about blogging…something to the effect of “Never before have so many people written so many things that other people don’t care about.” This, is, probably, sadly true.

But I’m still going to do it. Nyah.

Where the hell are the computers that I want? The ones that aren’t even touch screen. The ones where you can wave your hand over the panel and it senses where you want to go and what you want it to do. Where is my computer that understands my voice perfectly well, and will follow the command I give it?

I think someone is hoarding this technology, and I suggest we storm the castle, because I think that would be much cooler than what we’ve got going now.

You can tell I’m tired of dealing with my work computer. Since I have discovered the glories of Linux and Ubuntu and Kubuntu, I have little patience for Windows anymore.

This is another thing that could be destroyed when the barbarians kick the door in.

Today, at work, at the risk of being the only person who didn’t decorate my office door besides the boss, I decorated the damn door.

Now, Wendy and her mother observed me wrapping Christmas presents many moons ago, and asked, “What the hell are you doing?” The job I thought I was doing was just fine. My mom wrapped them in a sloppy way I guess, and I was just following her lead. We never cared. We were children-greedy to see what was inside.

But the Myers family does not do this. And since I wrap at their house, because there is a lot of room to spread out, they have taught me to wrap presents. Carefully. Neatly. Where ends meet up. I now know how to make bows. I can make those neat springy ribbons with scissors. Last year, I did so well, I was even complimented. That’s saying something. I think Santa trained them or something. They are grade A wrappers. IT MUST BE PERFECT.

But nothing in my wrapping training taught me how to wrap a door. And, as per usual, I went for asthetics, rather than practicality. So, did I get several loooooooong rolls of paper, since these are like 7 foot doors? NO! Of course not. I bought short rolls of shiny stuff, because I liked it. Then I went to the damn craft store, which I hate, because I feel like they KNOW that I am not a crafty person. They give me a LOOK when I ask where something is. I think I shall start referring to the craft stores as cult stores. They are a secret society, as far as I’m concerned.

I went to the craft store for two reasons. One, to get something for a friend who is part of this cult. Two, to see if they had spraypaint, which would save me from going across the street in the traffic. They DID have spraypaint. So now, the plan is to spraypaint some old Halloween black angel’s wings with gold and silver and some pearly stuff, and then glue gun them to the door.

And even though the wings will look cool, I did not enjoy this process. I kept thinking evil thoughts, like, “I bet warriors wouldn’t decorate a door. Xena wouldn’t decorate a door. Aeryn Sun wouldn’t decorate a door. Starbuck would not decorate a door. Amazons wouldn’t decorate a door. THEY would kick the door in. I WANT to kick this frelling, fraking, effing door in. THAT would be fun.  Not only would they kick the door in, they would light the paper on fire, use it to humiliate their enemies, and possibly use it as toilet paper. They would destroy everything in the office, except if it was good loot.

I kicked a door in once. I LOVED it. It opened on the first try and everything.

But this is not fiction. This is real life. And I had to show willing, and decorate a door. I am just not one of those women who has craft bred into me. I don’t know how to sew on a button. I mean, I could figure it out, I suppose, but it probably wouldn’t be the exactly correct way.

Other thoughts that went through my head: “Why doesn’t this effing paper stick? What the hell is wrong with this tape? What the hell is wrong with ME that I can’t make this tape do what I want? Why won’t the godsdamn ribbon stick? Shit! The paper is crumply-even through I stretched it out and it was even when I taped it. Oh NO! I used one roll and the other roll doesn’t match up. Why am I doing this at all? Everyone is going to laugh at my door. They will know I’m not crafty. I hate this door. “  

Why are we decorating doors? Well, in theory, because we want to make the office look cheery. But in reality, as with all things relating to women, it is about competition. The best office door wins a prize. Of stained glass, that one of the women who works here makes. So we can all admire it and go “ooooooooooo.”

Am I upset because my door is crap and will not win the prize? No. I just think it’s silliness that I bent to peer pressure. Office spaces are worse than drugs by far. They will get you to do things you never wanted to do, never dreamed of doing, and will do things that you look back on with 20/20 and think, “Why did I do that? I will never do THAT again at any other job. Life is too short.” But you have to work, so you’ll fall off the wagon, eventually. You’ll decorate some other damn thing, or participate in their yearly Fun Run or their Party Picnic where everyone is awkward and wants to get drunk, but not too drunk, because then you will be drunk in front of co-workers. Or the party at the bosses house, which is, by the worst kind of party, because you are totally obligated to go, and you are also obligated to not have any fun, but to make it look like you are.

Alas.

But hey, Kristi arrives today! AWESOMESAUCE!!!

Well, the way to get cheered is to do things you like. And appreciate things and people. SO.

I love my husband. I love Kristi and Wendy, and all my other awesome friends.

I love Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett’s writings. I love Charlaine Harris and her Sookie Books. I love Harry Potter. I love Zalazny books. I love books in general.

Right now, husband has me on a Farscape binge. If you missed this wonderful show, go find it and watch it. Muppets. Outer Space. Sex. Guns. Weird Aliens. Good writing. Good effects. What more could you want? And it’s 10 years old!

I love reiki. I love spiritual pursuits.

I love kickass action movies. Matrix, V for Vendetta, Star Wars….there are so many.

I love good food. I love to be warm. I love my sister’s music. I love Tori Amos’s music, even the weird stuff, even though I don’t know what the hell she’s trying to pull off with that. Perhaps keeping herself OUT of the mainstream.

But I do not love this kind of rubbery and tasteless hot ham and cheese sandwich I got at the deli in the basement of the bank. I love that I have a cookie and cheetos though.

I don’t really know what the wise men and women have to say about things that go wrong in civilization. Does a yogi in Tibet have to worry that he met his productivity numbers that are arbitrarily selected? Does he have to deal with the fact that his effing paperclips tangle? No. Because he’s a yogi. He sits on his zen pouffe and has no bills, and lives on prana and yak’s milk. He does not have to deal with effing “TPS” reports. (Thank you Office Space.)

I am not a yogi. Today, the zen I have is allowing myself to feel how I feel without judging it. So, I’ll say this. Today I wish I was Darth Vader, or any Darth really, they were all a bunch of assholes who knew how to get things done in the way that dictators everywhere do. They made it somebody else’s problem. (SEP) Thank you Mr. Adams.

My problem is that right now, I am the someone else. I actually don’t even want to be a dictator to others, I just want to be my own dictator. I have been to 7 years of university. I am getting too old, too skeptical, and too something-or-the-other to be the person that deals with SEP.

I hate working for the man right now, even though the man pays me well, because working for the man means you are expendable. I have watched 3 co-workers get fired in as many months. It’s been kind of like watching Darth do that slow squeeze thing to people’s necks without touching them.

So, am I envious of the power to do that? I suppose, because I think I would put it to better use. But, that’s the problem with people-we all think we’ve got the best idea.

I think the best idea for me is to be my own boss, asap, and never again allow the empire to interfere with my business dealings.

However, I am very excited that Kristi is coming soon! YAY DE SEESTOR!!!!!!!!

I officially think the holiday album Midwinter Graces by Tori Amos is the best thing she’s done in years. And I love all Tori, even the weird stuff. It is awesome. Don’t illegally download this one. It’s worth buying.

The thing I love about this time of year is that people are generally nicer to each other than they would normally be from now until New Year’s. I wish that happiness lasted all year, but I definitely don’t like the lack of sun and warmth.

SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing. As a clinician and a sufferer, I am fascinated by it. Why on earth should my brain decide that it’s time to be depressed and eat carbs and sugar just because there’s not a lot of light? Why should I know, before I even open my eyes, whether it’s a cloudy day or not? What kind of skill is that? In thinking about how cold, dark, and horrid it would have been in tribal times, I think that the Anasazi, the Hopi, and the southern tribes had the right idea. Here I am rambling as usual….but I will happily tell anyone who suffers from this disorder, or who has it as a specifier on their diagnosis that it is treatable with antidepressants, sun lamps, diet, exercise, and vitamins. The most helpful Vitamin you can take in the universe is Vitamin D, because it is an anti-cancer vitamin (all cancers are linked to a lack of Vitamin D!) D3 is what you make when you get sunshine! D3 is also anti-aging, and I found out today that melatonin, a hormone produced when you sleep at night is also anti-aging.

My mother-in-law has been taking D3 in huge quantities in her fight against breast cancer. She looks about 10 years younger than she actually is, which she attributes to the D3.

I had a lovely day with Sweet Donnie’s family, my dad and my brother. I felt sad that mom didn’t get up to come for dinner. I talked to De Seestor, but I didn’t get to ichat with her. She went to see New Moon. I’m waiting for her verdict on that one. Wendy said it was very good. For as much as I liked the Twilight books, I couldn’t bring myself to like the movie. Poor Edward coming into the school cafeteria with 80’s New Wave hair and far far too much lipstick just wrecked me. It is an interesting thing to me that men will deal with watching Twilight, but they all, inevitably say with scorn, “Vampires shouldn’t sparkle.” I wonder if they will like New Moon better because of the werewolves. I doubt it. Donnie read me a chokingly funny review by a man of the literary version of Twilight. After having read the book, he immediately stated that he couldn’t remember the main character’s name, and referred to her as “Pants.”  I will try to find the link and put it up. Even if you’re a rabid fan, you cannot help but laugh.

I have rambled enough. I shall say this point that I am extremely grateful for good friends, good family, good books, good food, and all things good in general. Also, if you read this blog, you are counted as good, and you will go to heaven.

I saw this great sign once that said, “Lord, give me patience, but hurry up please!” People who are waiting for me on facebook-I’ll get there, promise. Kristi actually created a page for me, but until now, I haven’t had the chance really for login and to explore it, I know-it’s absurd it’s taken me this long. I had to ask ‘em for a new password, but facebook has asked me to be patient, and it is on the way. So when I get it, I will be running along to catch up to the rest of the social network.

Sweet Donnie had a good reminder, (see previous post for people who were interested in that)-fish oil can be very bad-only get high grade stuff that you know has been tested. He also provided the link to the info we watched, which I then digested  and regurgitated in shorter form. Wow, that last sentence was colorfully disgusting. Here, a happy thought for you to make up for it. Raw Cacao is a delightfully complex substance that really appears to be excellent for you. You can get your chocolate fix in raw form, get the nutrients missing from a candy bar, and it’s easy to mix up into whatever to take the slightly bitter edge off.

No link to this thought, but here we go….

More good things that have been happening….Wendy moved back to town, for which I am SO grateful and blown away by that I can still hardly even believe it. I am still going through spells where I don’t want to get too excited for fear she might go away again. For example, I often dream it’s Christmas and she’s leaving again to go back to MN, but that keeps NOT HAPPENING in reality! Awesome! She and I are going to be neighbors very soon, and her fiance Mike will be arriving shortly to complete the happy package. I am so looking forward to it, and so happy for her and Mike.

De Seestor and Aric are going to take over the world. However, that information is classified and I cannot share it. You’ll know about it soon enough. And you’ll like it. Really. Patience!

I miss Elise a lot, but I will just have to be scheduling a trip to Brazil in the cold, horrid, MT winter months to go and see her.Patience for her and for me. I miss my Reiki Master though-and my friend.

Sweet Donnie is planning on remodeling the kitchen while I go on a retreat with my company next week. I believe he is extremely brave to be doing this project. I am reasonably certain he will actually have it done, except for the island by the time I get back. The island can wait. He began the process last Saturday when I woke up to “wham! bang! smash! wham! thud! crunch!” I got out of bed with a bad headache and found him in the kitchen with various tools, including a sledgehammer, crowbar, and mallet, and inquired as to whether the house had made him angry. Dust was everywhere. He said no, he’s just getting started on the kitchen project. Go Donnie GO! I went to the horseraces for the rest of the day with my mom and lost for the first 5 races, and then by the time I had gotten more conservative, I was winning, but not enough to recoup the losses. Ah well, it was only $50 bucks or so. We had a really good time. When I arrived home, I realized that I was mildly sunburned, and the worst part was my eyes-I think the glare off the program got them, because of course, I could not find my sunglasses. NO. That would have been too organized for me. =)

I would like all my items to respond to voice command, and come floating gently towards me when I call them. Or state to me in a pleasant voice, “I am located under the bed.” “I am located in the reusable bag.” “I am located in your green purse which is on the second closet shelf” Etc. Then they will never really be lost, as long as they are within vocal range. I’m sure we have the technology….but I’ll just have to be patient. Certainly improving my organization skills would be a longer wait than the tech for it.

Damn I have been busy! First I got married, I changed jobs (very very thankfully, as it resulted in WAAAAAY less stress and a substantial salary and benefit increase), NO MORE DYSFUNCTION JUNCTION. YAY! What I do now is therapy for parents and children and also help manage state Medicaid funding for a state that shall remain nameless. I moved in with my husband, because once you get married, you gotta do that. It seems that it took forever, and it did. I was so busy and burnt out during the weeks that I did very little actual packing except on weekends. I am so grateful for the help of friends that made the move easier. Bridgy, Shawn, and Colton in particular made it a lot more bearable. Wendy helped me wrap small precious things. Donnie coordinated people to pick things up, put them in trucks, and unload them. People who have always known that I am a clutterbug, to say the least, will be very proud to know that I gave away nearly my entire kitchen as well as about 75% of my old wardrobe. I got rid of anything and everything that I thought would be  useful to someone else if I didn’t have an immediate use or great fondness for it.

Warning: Rant Ahead: Read if You Want To Know Which Foods Are Truly Good for You

I have spent numerous hours with Donnie researching what’s actually really good for a person to eat, and what is crap. As near as I can tell, really, truly, once and for all, it really does come down to this: Eat as many whole, raw foods as you can. Fat content really doesn’t matter much if you are eating that way, because you will be eating very little fat. Most of the fat you do eat when you eat fruits and vegetables will help you absorb nutrients, not gain weight. The medical reality is that you will absorb the nutrients from a salad BETTER IF YOU HAVE A NICE FATTENING DRESSING ON IT LIKE RANCH. How AWESOME IS THAT?

Organic IS better, and here is one reason why. There is a big fat evil company that you should research called Monsanto. (I think of them as MonSatan). Here is just one naughty thing they did. Without anyone in the public, such as farmers or consumers actually asking, they spliced genes of RoundUp RT (Yes, the weed killer) into all their wheat and corn seed. This is a BIG deal. It is such a big deal that many European nations will not buy grains from the US unless it is non-GMO. Many European nations refuse to allow genetically modified ingredients. (Smart move, in my opinion, when it comes to things like adding effing weed killer to ALL the wheat and corn.) MonSatan has also put many small, medium, and large size farms out of business by claiming that the farms “stole” their seed. How did the farmers do it? Well, they sprayed a little RoundUp RT near their fence lines to keep the weeds out of their crops. And the RoundUp moved into the crops via the wind, and the result was that farmers who had been using the same non GMO seed for 20 years suddenly found they had GMO seed, which was indistinguishable from the MonSatan seed. Guess who won in court? It wasn’t the little guys, even though they didn’t do it on purpose, and just wanted their regular seed back. All gone. And the wind blows…

There are many other good reasons to eat organic, especially if you buy it locally. You are supporting local stores and farmers, which is a plus. Is it more viable, in terms of nutrients? Not really sure, but I like knowing that I am eating a tomato that is not spliced with the genes of a coldwater fish in order to make it grow in cold climates.

Taste is a factor in some cases. I am not a big fan of bananas (thank you Gwen Stafani for the most annoying song that taught an entire generation how to really spell BANANA), but I really like organic ones. They tend to be sweet tasting, and they haven’t been gassed in most cases. I also really feel like I can tell the difference with tomatoes.

The reformulated food pyramid should pretty much go like this: 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. Nuts and soy are ok. Really. Most oils should be used sparingly, but again, you do need fats to help you absorb the nutrients anyway. Yogurt is good for you, even the fattening kind, although dairy, in general, should be used sparingly, like sugar. The best sugar according to the latest medical research is date sugar. Stevia is harmless, but doesn’t really do anything for you. White sugar, brown sugar, agave, honey, etc, all come out pretty much the same. Aspartame IS A NEUROTOXIN. Period. It is bad as hell for you. It creates brain tumors, depression, ADHD, and is linked to many other diseases including cancer. The FDA says its safe, but research from all other countries shows it is toxic. All those other artificial sweeteners are also toxins. MSG is also a neurotoxin, and can have immediate and long-term effects on the body. Many times MSG will be disguised as “spices” on boxes. There are about 50 (not kidding) different labels for MSG. Bottom line, if  you’re going to drink a Coke, drink the regular stuff. Chinese food-order without MSG. Try to avoid it if possible-it’s in almost everything boxed you can think of. Avoid food dyes and artificial colors and flavors. Many of these are linked to allergies, hidden allergies, as well as things like mental health issues, particularly ADHD. Breads and grains should not be the base of the food pyramid, just used with common sense. The latest medical research shows that you really CANNOT have too many fruits and vegetables. The health benefits do not taper off, they just keep increasing. The ultimate cancer preventatives and stoppers, (that’s right, they actually KILL CANCER CELLS) are Garlic, Onions, and Leeks. The more dark leafy greens you eat, the better. Spinach is not actually the most amazing source of iron, but it is the number one “lettuce” for health benefits. The more vegan your diet is, the more weight you will lose. Even people who eat meat 1-2 times per month have more weight on them overall than vegans. Lacto-ovo vegetarians do not have the same amount of benefit as total vegans. I’m not a total vegan. I’m just telling you what I found out.

The worst meat? Amazingly-Chicken. And what really distressed me is that apparently cooking meat releases a carcinogen (we are cooking a muscle after all). I LIKE CHICKEN. I LIKE STEAK. I LIKE CHEESEBURGERS. But that’s what the research says. The other awful thing to stay away from: FISH. This is no problem for me, I don’t like fishies, unless they are shellfish. If you are getting your supplements through Fish Oil, make sure it is a a high quality fish oil, such as what a ND would dispense.

Most important Vitamins? All the Vitamin B’s. Vitamin D. LOTS OF VITAMIN D. Low levels of Vitamin D are linked not only to most forms of cancer, but also to strange things like increased risk of falling. To quote Dave Barry, “I swear I am not making this up.”

If you try out a whole foods/raw food diet for about a week, you will most likely feel like hell for the first few days. That is junk leaving your system. Much of the information I wrote in this blog is attributable to an MD who researches studies that have been done every year, and then puts out a DVD with this info. I think his website is veganmd.com. I could be wrong, and if I am, let me know, and I will find a correct link.

This has been your public services announcement.

There are many other things to blog and rant about, but right now it is time for bed. If any readers know of helpful websites or recipes on raw foods, or whole foods diets, please let me know!