I am a total caveperson in the morning. I can’t even say cavewoman, because I don’t resemble anything female while stumbling around.

My body is paralyzed while 3 different alarm clocks clang and beep around me. My husband pats and shakes and encourages me to get out of bed, and when that doesn’t work, he tries to annoy me out of bed. But I am still paralyzed. In various positions of half sitting, slouching, and finally sitting, my feet hit the floor to navigate the area which is roughly known as the bedroom floor. The cats scamper away, and then mew at me pitifully, wanting my immediate attention on their food and water dishes, but I’m still trying to cope with seeing the back of my eyeballs.

Swaying and stumbling like a champion drunk, although I have no such excuse, I make it to the bathroom. My reflection in the mirror looks as exhausted as I feel. I look like I could breathe on you and kill you with my breath, which is probably, in fact, the case. If anything got in my way to annoy me any further at this moment, I would probably go for the kill, but on account of my still slow moving form, you would probably get away.

Toilet. Shower. Teeth. My reflection still looks like a weary traveller, except now I have wet hair.

I move on to the task of finding suitable garments to wear to work, reflecting that I should have done more laundry again. I find something, check to make sure its not backwards, and that my shoes match, and then after apologizing to my husband for being a total pain in the ass, I leave.

I turn on the car. I back out the driveway. I turn around. I have forgotten my nicotine patch.

“She’s addicted to nicotine patches.”-Tori Amos

It is true, I am.

I give my husband another kiss. I get back in the car. I note that the neighbors have thrown away more furniture, and wonder blearily how much they actually have in that house.  They are always throwing away furniture.

I make it to work, and as I park the car, I thank the guardian angels with Nikes who are running alongside my car, protecting other people from me, as I’m not as alert as I could or should be.

For at leat the next hour at work, I attempt to focus, keep my eyes open, and act like I’m awake, like my coworkers seem to be. This is extremely difficult. Their voices sound far away, I feel disconnected, and I’m acutely aware that while they have been up since 6am, and had their coffee and a delicious breakfast, I have not had any coffee or breakfast. I slink away to my office to make coffee. Breakfast is a more complicated series of actions that requires my attention, such as making sure the spoon/fork is heading for my mouth, not dropping whatever in my lap, and still-keeping my eyes open.

I am writing this to stay awake-an attempt to get my brain moving. I’m not sure it’s helping.

Foamy the Squirrel has a perfectly indecent rant about mornings. I agree with him completely.

For anyone who is following the rant I’ve had going on healthcare, please refer to “The Truth”, where an awesome reader sent in some great counterarguments, and I responded to them. I welcome comments, arguments, and feedback, so long as they are relatively polite.

Hmmm…updates on the fabulous….Better Off Ted is the best thing I’ve seen on TV since Arrested Development-the flow is similar. If you like that, or The Office, you will nearly wet your pants. It is glorious. If I haven’t plugged Charlaine Harris and the “Sookie Books”, those are a great read. Her other books are also good too, at least the ones I’ve read, in the Grave series. If you’re looking for a fantastic Detox, visit Dr. Natura’s website. I can honestly say these products work and they work beautifully, with no negative side effects I’ve been able to note. A great book I picked up on the cheap is Eats, Shites, and Leaves: Crap English and How to Use It. Ladies: if you are in need of great blush that matches no matter what, visit your Sephora counter or go online and order some NARS Orgasm blush. That one is universally awesome. They also have other great colors to go with any skin tone. (I don’t get paid for any of these plugs, I’m just telling you what’s awesome.) Cheryl Mosely’s Eye of the World is awesome and amazing-I highly recommend checking out her pictures, her story, whatever you can find. If you have problems, let me know. She is a wonderful and unique RN who went traveling the world, worked with Mother Teresa, and I believe her next exhibition will be in New York.

Spring has come early here, which I’m intensely grateful for, as sometimes we don’t see green on trees until June. But they’re getting green already, and I am basking in the longer days, and can’t wait to start planting a garden. I still can’t do much with the inside of the house, so I’m going to nest in the yard. That sounds weird….like I’m a bird or something. But when I have the yard done, I won’t have to worry about letting the cats go outside, and then I won’t have to worry about a puppy so much either. I like puppies. I want a puppy. Therefore, I shall have a puppy as soon as possible.

Spring also means I will venture outside again. Sweet Donnie got us a pretty awesome new camera, so we’ll get to go on walkabout and take pictures.

I finally freaked out and bought a new ipod. I’m SO pissed that my other one went missing. I was really careful with that, it was a gift from Sweet Donnie, but someone at work either jacked it when I wasn’t looking, or I truly did something stupid, like let it fall out of my purse into snow. Either way, I’ve been searching for months, and just can’t find it. Not a cheap mistake to swallow, but worth it to have my tunes back in an accessible format.

This hasn’t been a kind month really….Sweet Donnie’s grandma passed away, we both got sick, and work has been overwhelming. On the upside, we both have lots of work to do, private practice is about 2 weeks away from officially launching, and I am happy playing Final Fantasy XIII, but I do not think it rocks like other FF have. I have been waiting throughout the game for things to get awesome, and for some things to start making some sense, and after buying the strategy guide, I’ve found I’m almost DONE with the silly thing, and the fun stuff, like sidequests and awesome leveling and weapons come AFTER I’ve killed the big guy. All I can say is that I think Square Enix must have come under new management-and BOO to the management! It’s acceptable, but could have been so much more, especially with the PS3 platform.

Sometimes I like it that I have to be a total grownup, and other times I like it that I can still act like a kid, and do things like sleep in, play video games, and not worry too much about the dishes in the sink.

And I love Wendy and Mike, and they are still having a BABY. AWESOME!!!!

Thanks to everyone who participated in helping Kristi out. It was a time-limited jetpack operation-so, although I think she got more votes overall, she lost to the cloggers. However, cloggers are not really marketable talent, so she got second, made some great contacts, and I think she and Aric booked some studio time with various people. So everyone was happy with that.

I am going to go Easter Egg Dyeing with Wendy and her family. I love that!

So, I hope everyone has a lovely weekend, eats good food, and focuses on the positive, the sacred, the cherished,  and is well-rested.

Donnie’s birthday is next week! So is Judith’s.

Also, Judith is getting married! YAY! Congratulations to JUDITH! She is getting married on the same day Donnie and I did last year, so that will be a neat anniversary. =) I am verrrry happy for her. Her ex-husband is cheating pond scum, and she deserves someone who will treat her right!

To be able to vote via text message, text STAR to 94253. You will get a reply text asking you to join the group. Text back Y.  To vote for Kristi, text star2 to 94253!

Kristi’s event will be taking place between 7-9 pm MST in Fort Collins, Colorado. I will keep you informed as to the text number. Thank you! To my international readers, you can try, but I don’t know if it will work or not.

Hi World! My sister was selected as a finalist for a pre-pilot TV show called America’s Next Greatest Talent. You initially get chosen by the judges, and after that, the next two rounds are by audience popularity only. She’s up against an English girl who plays her own folk music, 12 cloggers, and then herself, with music she has written and produced herself, and won a John Lennon Songwriting Award for, as well as a Billboard Award.

So. Here’s what I’m asking of you. Since this is not a live TV broadcast, only the members of the audience, or people who have been informed about it are eligible to text in their vote for their favorite. This is, of course, how the show plans to make their money, by having phone companies sponsor it. So, as soon as the number to text in for your favorite becomes available, I will post it here, and I will also try and post it on FaceBook ASAP.

The producers of the show have stated that the most talented does not always win, it’s the person who gets the most texts-SO, imagine a wildest woman on the bar contest, and imagine all her friends are in the audience. She’s going to win, even if she’s not the best crazy drunk dancer.

But Kristi is not a crazy drunk dancer, or from England, and she does not clog. She is beautiful and talented, so, please check this blog for an update late this afternoon, or early this evening. I will try to get an almost exact time for you to check.

When you get the number, you must text it TEN TIMES. If you do not have unlimited texts and you’re going to get charged a bundle, don’t do it.

Thanking you in advance for helping out De Sesstor. Go see her website for more about her-there’s a link on the right side of the page.

Let me break down the new “Healthcare Law.”

“Hey, you over there-buy me a car.”

“Um, no, get your own car.”

“The government says you have to buy me a car. It’s the law. On top of that, you have to pay for other people’s too, even if you have your own. If you don’t, you will go to jail.”

WOW. It took us a paltry couple hundred years to give up our freedoms. God bless every state in the land, and every person in the land that is suing the government for this law being unconstitutional.

I read a quote from a TOTAL ignoramus who said something to the effect of “I don’t know why people are making an issue out of it. The law is the law.” WTF? This guy was apparently a lawyer. It is blatently stated in our laws that if the government gets too big for it’s britches, and isn’t representing the majority of the people, (which is isn’t-67% of Americans did not want this bill passed), then the people have a responsibility to rise up and tell the government what the hell is up and how it’s gonna be. The question I have is, Will We Do It?

I don’t mind  Healthcare Reform. Insurance should be made accessible, or more accessible than it has been. But to force people to buy something they may not even want is CRAZY. CRAZY and ILLEGAL, and UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

Despite this passage, Obama has the lowest presidential approval rating in history. I WONDER WHY?

Pretty much, as far as I can tell, all he’s done since he’s been in office is apologize to the world for America being America, apologize to people and countries who attacked us and killed us, ignored countries that have been our allies, arranged for the release of dangerous terrorists so they can wander about and DO IT AGAIN, give failing businesses huge amounts of money, (gee, I wish I could fuck up my whole company and then get paid billions for it), and then, with the help of Democrats, (and I used to be one by the way, and this party has gone SO FAR OUT THERE, I can’t even remotely identify WHAT THE FUCK is going on), has passed a bill that over half of Americans DID NOT WANT, and which will turn many Americans, who are middle class working stiffs into poor working stiffs, due to the fact that they’ve got to pay for everyone else. But hey, they’ll have health insurance.

America has officially become a socialist country. It happened without the consent of a lot of the people in it, and those that knew what was happening couldn’t get enough going to fight it off. Freedom as we knew it died. If you don’t think there’s more on the way, think again.

Ammunition-the stuff they put in guns, is now made to expire. That’s right. What is the point of that? Well, if you know you’ll never get away with taking the guns away….take away the ammo. What do you think might be around the corner?

I admire people who go through life seemingly unafraid of consequences-when they aren’t hurting themselves or others. People who have the balls, the money, the fury, or the sheer stupidity, or bloodymindedness to just keep going. There was a time I was a bit like that. People called me the Verbal Machete. (I am not making that up.) Sometimes, I miss the machete….and I just have to bring it out. It can get old being so NICE all the time. I am not, however, one of those people who has no regard for consequences.

So, I called up good old CSU and had a little chat with the Department Chair, and  demanded to know why CSU was allowing a “textbook” with a forward from Karl Marx and no references in it to be used for an American History Class. The Chair really didn’t know, or else she is very good at playing dumb. Both are possible, as this is partly how you get to be the Chair. You blackmail everyone, and then put your fingers in your ears, and go “LALALALALALA” most of the time. Anything else is someone else’s problem. Anyway, she told me the University does not endorse this textbook, but they allow their professors to choose their own. I told her that might not be a good idea, seeing as she has a communist teaching US Government, making sure all the young people feel properly ashamed of themselves for being fed and clothed and educated. I told her its that kind of shit that ruins a perfectly good university. She listened very politely to me, assuming I was a random lunatic I think. But when I told her I was considering going to the university for a PhD program, but I didn’t want to spend my money at a university that was endorsing communism, she stopped being polite at me and started paying attention. She assured me she would investigate, and I assured her I would be investigating whether or not she investigated. I certainly hope it did some good. I did it because  I was bored, and I haven’t fought for anything for awhile, and felt like if I was going to bark at something, it might as well be for a good cause. I sublimated my rage into something slightly more acceptable than ranting. 

Wendy is pregnant. I repeat, my best friend is going to have a BABY. This thought is so cool, and so awesome, and I mean it in the kind of wow, the universe is AWESOME, not the hey-awesome hat, sense. A BABY.  She is having an awfully busy year, by getting married AND having a baby. That baby is going to be loved up and spoiled by Auntie Kelly. Wendy and Mike will also get loved up too, and get free babysitting service when they just can’t take it anymore and need some sleep. I am SO excited for them both! Baby is very very important and wonderful, and I will flatten anything that ever threatens or looks at it wrong. I will be like an extra momma bear. Baby will pretty much get what baby wants from Auntie Kelly, as long as mom and dad are ok with it.

Donnie and I spent ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT long looking at kitchen cabinets online. When I couldn’t stand looking at the two-dimensional model anymore, he build a 3D version which was extremely helpful and I could see what we were doing better. I love Donnie. He is a genius. He is quiet and gentle, but when he gets going, or gets to thinking about something, he is REALLY involved with it. His focus is amazing. Eventually, we are going to have a beautiful tiled kitchen with an icemaker that will make RABBIT POOP ICE, like you get at Sonic ( I love that ice, don’t tell me you don’t),  also referred to in a more civilized manner as nugget ice. Hey-nugget….poop…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frankly, I have spent so much time around teenagers, it has pretty much enabled a 12-year-old boy sense of humor in me that just won’t go away. We will also have kickass new everything. This MAKES ME SO EFFING HAPPY I COULD DO A DANCE. I am getting really tired of Amy’s frozen health food meals. I love them, but damn. Enough is enough.

I fell asleep with my nicotine patch on earlier and had an amazing dream. I love it when that happens. As anyone else who has ever snuggled up with the patch knows, you either get amazingly realistic dreams that are colorful, vivid, and you feel fantastic in them, or you get the shittiest nightmare imaginable.

This is one of those blogs where there is really nothing that new or amazing to report, except for the Wendy and Mike having a baby part, which I have reported in another blog, but still, that is SUCH BIG NEWS it bears repeating.  Everything else is random, fairly uninspired, and bland. Shit. I hate it when that happens.

Some people are very sure they want socialized healthcare, and other people say they’d rather die., and other people say they just don ‘t fucking know. What it’s really all about is cost. What can I get, how much money will it cost me, and how much will my doctor get, and what will the hospital make?

My suggestion, after watching a documentary tonight about the CCC put into place by Roosevelt, is sort of a trade off. Rather than just taking your money, or trading money for services, why don’t we BUILD something new? We ARE the crazy Americans after all. What Roosevelt did back in the day when soup kitchens were how people were fed, and unemployment was up to 25% or higher, was put people to work. And in exchange, they made money, and were fed, and that money went to their families. Many people at the time called this socialist. But to me, not so much, because these people were DOING something to earn what they got. And what they did was stop the Dust Bowl by terraforming the land, plant trees, make paths, trails, and conserve. They made it so we can all visit national parks. That’s pretty good for $30 a month per person, with $25 going to help the starved out family.  An entire generation of young men, (now it would be people), wanting to work, grateful to be fed, and who would MUCH rather be out in the woods than sitting around.  So they got what they wanted, work, clothes, food, shelter, and good times. Maybe the solution isn’t higher payments or taxes or regulations. Maybe it’s a little give and take on both ends.

I am tired of the rant in general for now, but I do know that we are doomed to repeat history if we haven’t learned from it. And by the way, if you are interested in that Marxist textbook I was talking about being used in an AMERICAN GOVERNMENT CLASS, that University using it is Colorado State University in Fort Collins, CO. I’m sure there are others, but I would love to hear what some of my industrious readers have to tell me if they call or email CSU on why this is an approved textbook. Remember, this is the one with NO references in it at all. WHAT A SHITTY BOOK! Let’s find out more about it!!!!!!! SO……

LET’S MAKE A DEAL: $50.00-ish CHALLENGE

I will send you $5.00 for making a call to this university and telling me what you get via email or phone-must include the name and number of person you talked to, with a brief write-up of your experience. Bonus for live footage or digital recording of any kind.

I will send you $20.00 if you raise hell, just because you can, (VISUAL RECORDING NECESSARY),and you’re exercising your right to freedom of speech, to try and frustrate someone at the university about this book, or if you can annoy the prof. Asking questions such as, “Why doesn’t this book have references? or “Why do you, a person with an education, roof over your head, and food to eat, and the ability to make as much money as you want to work for, live in this country and put it down at the same time?” ” If you think oppressed people should be set free, would you give me some money? I’m oppressed because my school hours prohibit me from having a job that makes me enough. C’MON MAN, it’s the SOCIALIST WAY-I THOUGHT WE WERE BRO’S!!!!!”

If you have really frustrated someone and enraged them,  then I will get you some more dough in order to buy soothing beverages. But not a keg ok? You have to buy it yourself.

$10.00 will go to the person who can locate another university that uses this vile book. An extra $5.00 is yours if you can get the Department Head, Dean, or Prof to go on record stating why they think this is an appropriate American History Book.

$20.00, and possibly a bonus for a person who DOES NOT ATTEND THE CLASS to go in there disguised, Scream, “THIS CLASS IS A SHIT SHOW” and drop a copy of the constitution, but MOST importantly, the Declaration of Independence on the professor, or in front of him. I have it on very good authority that this man has said, “I hate that document.”Even more bonus points if you can get a nasty Beastie Boys song going, or something inappropriate for the classroom. DO NOT DO THIS YOURSELF IF YOU ATTEND THE CLASS. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO FLUNK OVER THIS.

See, Capitalism is good. I want a service, I pay for it, and hopefully, a labor pool responds. Costs are somewhat negotiable. The $50.00 is a starting point.

I’m dead serious about this folks. This doesn’t have to be limited to CSU, if your university has this trash, go right ahead with the plan. Be advised I am not made of money, and cannot pay you all, so check in with me before you go do these deeds. I want to know who I’m paying. Make sure your actions are legal, as I will not bail you out of jail. Don’t get caught if you’re the shit show person, make sure you know your exits. And then tell your friends. Perhaps you can all intrinsically motivate yourselves to be entitled to a damn fine education for what it costs, by protesting the shit show they are giving  you.

YOU ARE THE CONSUMER. YOU CONSUME WHAT YOU WANT. DON’T LET THEM JUST GIVE YOU MINDLESS DRIVEL AND SLOP. THEY EXPECT THAT YOUR BRAIN IS SO WASTED FROM TV AND VIDEO GAMES AND TOO MUCH BUD THAT THEY AREN’T EXPECTING ANYONE TO PUT UP A FIGHT. AND DON’T LET THOSE BASTARDS EVER PLAY THE RACE CARD. WE’VE ALL BEEN SLAVES TO EVERYONE AT SOME POINT. NO ONE HAS EVER NOT BEEN ENSLAVED.

If nothing else, your psych prof or social prof might give you credit for this as a social experiment for operating outside the norms. Go to them if you need a safe house.

Email me troops if you’re going to do it! kelly@kellykrings.com

Expand on it, and pass it along to other schools that are giving crap classes.

And don’t think that I might not be among you. I would never give you an assignment I wouldn’t do myself.

“People shouldn’t be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.”

And I say, “that starts with education. Educate your teachers that you won’t be pushed around, and send a message to the government that you aren’t going to be pushed around either.”

“You decide. Not them.”

“Do not give up  your power.”

GO!

And if they try to give you hell, cite your rights. Tell them you’ll fetch your lawyer. Tell them you’ll call the ACLU. They might piddle in their pants a little. This is when you make your escape if cornered.

Outside of the survey question, I feel a need to expel, to verbally vomit up the fetid air I breathe, coughing out the ever increasing whiffs of entitlement raging throughout the land. As if the fucking oil refineries aren’t bad enough around here, and the smell of the pot dealer’s skunk bud across the street.

Waves of fear wash daily through the masses, some in terror that they will be forced into a regime of oppression. Other pray for, it fearful it make not come, baring their tits for it like Roman bitches watching gladiator fights.

The dust of it all is in the air.  Will we give up our nation’s way of doing things? Will we adopt what other countries have done? I hear that the people are happy, but the hospitals and doctors are going broke.

Maybe they compensate for their government imposed salary by selling the cheap ass drugs they have easy access to. Perhaps they take the drugs themselves, to escape the socialist regime they willingly accepted.

The air of the earth feels old tonight, and putrid. The manic rage and enthusiasm in people’s eyes is more than just a phase of the moon. We are smelling the Beast…it’s stench flowing across all areas, north, south, east, and west. This Beast is the rancid and hungry issue of healthcare in America.

This affects me directly, as I am a healthcare provider and have a MAJOR fucking problem with a government that doesn’t represent my interests and wants to tell me the cap on how much I can make per hour.

Perhaps it’s time for a career change. Perhaps I should go to law school, I doubt they’ll ever stop being fat cats. Yes, I think I could become a professional Liar. Then I can work my way up the ladder of politics and take back my money from these bitches.

Or perhaps its time to take up the crazy fucking life, since apparently hard work, schooling, training and licensing may  not pay off. I may as well become a mad writer, and let the system take care of me. No cost to me! Hey, I will just not work, get some killer meds drugs and go off in search of the American Dream. Except in this case, I’ll be looking for it’s corpse. Won’t be as tough as Hoffa. Alert Rolling Stone they need to pay my exorbitant costs,  I will give them a story about sadly brainwashed young people, who have no spark to defy their government’s wrong-doing, but rather want to cut on themselves and blame society for not fucking understanding. And I will rough them up, and get them awake, and get them rocking and fucking rolling again. They missed something somewhere. The crazy fucking life would be WAY more fun than being a professional liar.

The air smells bad, but perhaps we can make it smell better again. Maybe the American Dream isn’t totally dead, merely languishing, and can be brought back with some cocktails and common sense. Perhaps.